I’m excited to welcome my friend, and fellow Catholic life coach (and new writer!) to the front porch today. Carla has joined our small team of writers as we share and cultivate how God moves in and through us as we navigate the many different seasons of a woman’s life. Sit back, grab something relaxing to drink and join us on the front porch! Welcome, Carla! We are happy you are here.
“Momma, Momma you wanna watch this part?” asked my five-year-old, with his big, bright, blue almond-shaped eyes and long black eyelashes. There was an urgency in his voice like it was the most important thing in the world.
It was about the tenth time that we’d both watched Thomas the Train’s friend, James, go off the rails and have an accident, obviously the most exciting part. The train was warned but he was also too proud to listen. He was going too fast and wouldn’t listen to his friends to slow down and look where he was going. As my son excitedly acted out what James was doing with his own little red toy engine, he also kept checking to make sure I was looking up at him and the TV at the same time, but mostly at him.
As a mom of two young kids, I’m constantly being asked to look up from what I’m doing whether it’s working on my laptop, stirring a pot in the kitchen, or admittedly mindless scrolling on my phone. As my daughter then goes on to sing and dance with her Elsa costume on and her sparkly hot pink rain boots, added for effect, I start to remember when I was a child being in my father’s makeshift office in our home. There were piles of paperwork and boxes everywhere; my father looked down punching in numbers on his calculator with its little white receipt tape printing out with each transaction. I remember running around his table hoping to catch his glance. There was something in my little body that longed for a glance, a connection, a moment of being seen. It probably feels very similar to how my children feel when I’m working or busy with endless adult tasks that definitely aren’t as important, but sometimes necessary. We all are desiring the same thing, to have that person, that parent, to look up.
As the years moved on, I began to feel that longing to be “seen”, build and build. I could feel the uncertainty of who I really was, what I was good at or what I should be when I grew up. I felt lost and like I needed to make an identity for myself; almost create one out of nowhere or mimic someone else’s. In 7th grade, I have a distinct memory of trying to try out a “persona.” I loved the show Felicity at the time. The main character had big brown unruly curly hair and went to college in New York City. She was creative and intelligent, shared her emotions, oftentimes in a dramatic way. She had a strength though which you could see in her stride as she walked the streets of New York. I remember thinking I wanted to be different, more like Felicity; confident, more serious, quiet, thoughtful, and mysterious even.
As I started 1st period I could almost feel my friends and teachers noticing. “Why are you acting differently?” someone wondered, “You aren’t joking and laughing as much as you usually do. Is everything okay?” I was found out. I went into the day hoping to become someone else, someone I thought was better than whatever I was. I wanted to be noticed, I wanted boys to like me and obviously, boys do not like the funny girl, right? I, unfortunately, thought at the time that boys would only ever see me as “just a friend.” I wanted to be seen and known, and really, I was, but I couldn’t understand that yet. It just felt like I was a scam, or maybe I picked the wrong person to portray. I thought I’d have to change who I was to be really seen.
In later years, I’d have my own journey to New York City for college, although I wasn’t imitating an actress this time. I was beginning to understand who I really was all along and where I was going too. I found myself in my last year of college longing for nature and the sky. As weird as that may sound to someone not surrounded by skyscrapers, there’s something that happens when you go many weeks or months without seeing or noticing the blue sky, puffy clouds, and sun beaming in your eyes. So, I made my way to the beginning of Central Park with a backpack of supplies to try to have some time in city-built nature and just be with God. I had felt this yearning for nature, but also to be alone with God.
I needed quiet time, and although it would be surrounded by people and honking there’d still be trees and green grass. As I walked around a bend I saw the perfect spot, this big boulder that you could sit on. Others were there too, but I did not feel bothered. I was never going to be truly alone in Manhattan. So I propped myself up on the highest part of the rock that I could. I wanted to get as close as I could to that sky. Then I did something that I would do over and over for years to come, I looked up.
I saw the sky and closed my eyes as the sun beamed into my eyes. I felt the warmth of the sun, the wind through my unruly curly hair, and the noise of the city quiet somehow. I came that day to the park with many burdens building up, a lot of changes coming, and uncertainty inside rising up. I felt I couldn’t hear God or myself think anymore. I needed that sky, that rock, and that God to have me look up. I felt the peace surpass me that day. I was seen and known.
In my life there have been several times when I have gotten lost, lost in who I am, or what I’m called to do; wanting desperately to be known again, to be seen for who I really am, seeking confirmation by others or myself. Even recently I have found myself very much distracted, thoughts racing, mostly negative, trying to control circumstances around me, but left more and more on empty. Then I felt this small nudge to “look up.” There will always be distractions or lies we believe that bring us farther from the truth, farther from peace. I needed the actual reminder to look up, feel the bright sun on my face, the warmth of the sun beaming down on me, the reminder that only my Creator can truly see me and know where my steps should go next. Only He can give me that “peace that surpasses all understanding.” (Phil 4:7) I needed to remember who it was that knew and how much I could trust Him for the next steps.
Then the peace of God, which is beyond all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Phillipians 4:7
So I want to encourage you to find your own special time to be in quiet and stillness with God. In the still and in the quiet I pray you can finally see the loving yet accurate mirror that God is holding up to see what He sees in you and that you’d feel His adoring love which would propel you back into running the race set before you with strength, confidence and unending love. For when we truly know who we are and Who’s we are, we can live out what we’ve always been called to do here on earth.
Oh, and don’t forget to look up!
Carla Winner
Carla Winner is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Writer, and Life Coach. She is passionate about empowering women to know their true worth from God, to face their past, their personal fears or anything else that may be keeping them from living out their God-given gifts and purpose. She has had the honor of serving as a Christian counselor in the Capital Region of New York for over 12 years now. Her warmth, caring heart, naturally friendly demeanor, and authentic empathy is inviting to clients. Her approach in therapy is a blend of using her years of psychological knowledge and experience while also teaching practical tools, and including their faith walk in a seamless way.
She has been married to her best friend for 15 years and together you can find them racing after their two beautiful children. They live in Troy, New York with their adorable dog, Dollie who really is as cute as her name implies. When she’s not working you can find Carla with a good friend grabbing a cup of coffee, trying a new restaurant with her husband, creating memories with her kids, or spending quality precious time gathered around the table with family and friends.
Thank you for sharing your heart and for encouraging us to remember who we are and WHO’S we are!